follow me....

i miss walking nyc streets, book and paper in hand, to that cafe where i would sit on saturday mornings and read until my mind had something to write. ------i think the air isn't right and i think something has gotten lost and i would now like to find it, whatever it is i have lost, because i would like back that feeling of having so much to write about and that feeling of wanting so badly to read so quickly, to read so much, but also so badly to hover above every single word for hours. i think, also, that whatever i have lost might be very difficult to find. but i don't think that where i am has very much to do with anything, maybe it has a little to do with the little things, but not really at all. i like where i am, less who i am, but i think (at least now) that i haven't noticed that i had lost anything (or something) until just this day. and this day is different, and i don't know why, and i really really don't know anything at all. maybe it's a state of mind, or being, or not being, or being less, maybe being more ('being being being-i sound like Nietzche, how proto-typical) --but---this day is different, and i don't know why. it looks different, feels different, is different to all 11 of my senses. but what matters today is that i've lost something (or perhaps the things i've found have covered the things i already had). i want back whatever i have lost. and i don't know how to do that. but i know that i want that unknown, undefinable, obscure, but yet blithely consuming passion that nobody else but me can see or know, that used to set my entire soul on fire.

-but, i have studies to do-- so i can't pick up the binoculars today, and besides, i'd prefer a kaleidoscope anyways